I don't even know where to begin... our now 23-yo daughter has always been a tough one. She is the 2nd out of our 5 children, and the only one to give us so much grief since she was little. She has been diagnosed with "borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder" but because she was "borderline" was never medicated - just lots of counseling and therapists. She has been in and out of trouble over the years, including getting kicked out of the Air Force for adultery (the guy was married, but she was still charged), and then after leaving the AF went to live with her married boyfriend (who later divorced his 9-month pregnant wife). My daughter then found out she was pregnant. We barely spoke because we did not have the greatest relationship, as her father and I were very disappointed with her choices. Not surprisingly, her "boyfriend" ended up cheating on her, and they broke up..and she moved back home. We rearranged our lives for her. We moved her brother from one room to another, her sister from one to another - all to make room for my daughter and our soon-to-be grandson. We did everything for her. A few months after the baby was born, she packed up and left - no goodbye, no thank you, nothing. About a month later, we found out she moved a few states away with the "boyfriend". Again.. our hearts were sad, we were furious, and we were hurt. Her excuse for not telling us was that she "didn't want to hear it." Again.. things did not work out, and she came back with the baby. For the past 2 years she has been living at home - barely working, watching TV all day, not helping around the house, not even trying to better her life for her son. We had many, many conversations about growing up and being an adult, being responsible, etc. Things finally came to a head this past August when we told her that we were planning on moving to another state within the next year. We told her that she really needed to get a "real" job, and start thinking about her future - as we would not be supporting her any longer once we moved (thinking this would be a great incentive for her to grow up). Instead... she went ballistic. Started telling us she hated us, we never did anything for her (that's what kills us), she'll never be good enough, etc. The next day she drove her son out to Ohio and gave him to his father. We have not seen the baby since. She has contacted the father twice in 3 months to check on the baby, and she goes out every night partying and never talks about her child. We have realized that although his father is not a very good person, he is the better of the two evils, and the baby is probably better off with him, as he has him enrolled in a daycare for play sessions, he has his own bedroom, and he has the much needed attention that my daughter never gave him.
In the meantime, our daughter continues to live with us. She has gotten a full time job, but she still does nothing around the house. We asked for $20 a week for food and bills, which she refuses to give to us. She stopped speaking to us all together the day after the "big" argument in August. She comes in and goes straight to her room, leaves and goes straight out the door - no hello, goodbye, nothing. She does not even speak to her siblings. She has done them wrong in one way or another, and they are also through with her.
Our dilemma now is Christmas. I am so furious with her for the way she has treated us, but I know that she will be brazen enough to come down X-mas morning and expect gifts under the tree. I really do not think she deserves anything for the way she treats us, but my husband says "we can't do that," and wants me to go buy her a gift! How do I do that? I never thought I would be one of those parents that does not have a relationship with their child - but she has hurt me more than one could possibly imagine. She has lost all of her friends because of the way she treats them, she only has one family member that speaks to her... and I truly feel sorry for her - but at the same time I feel that she has created her own situation. How do I get past this guilt? I am so torn.....
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loveaussies
Posts:
2
From:
San Antonio
Registered:
12/16/11
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(3 of 3)
Re: 23-yo daughter hates us, and now has given her 2-yo baby away!
Dec 16, 2011 1:21 PM
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> I don't even know where to begin... our now 23-yo daughter has always been a tough one. She is the 2nd out of our 5 children, and the only one to give us so much grief since she was little. She has been diagnosed with "borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder" but because she was "borderline" was never medicated - just lots of counseling and therapists. She has been in and out of trouble over the years, including getting kicked out of the Air Force for adultery (the guy was married, but she was still charged), and then after leaving the AF went to live with her married boyfriend (who later divorced his 9-month pregnant wife). My daughter then found out she was pregnant. We barely spoke because we did not have the greatest relationship, as her father and I were very disappointed with her choices. Not surprisingly, her "boyfriend" ended up cheating on her, and they broke up..and she moved back home. We rearranged our lives for her. We moved her brother from one room to another, her sister from one to another - all to make room for my daughter and our soon-to-be grandson. We did everything for her. A few months after the baby was born, she packed up and left - no goodbye, no thank you, nothing. About a month later, we found out she moved a few states away with the "boyfriend". Again.. our hearts were sad, we were furious, and we were hurt. Her excuse for not telling us was that she "didn't want to hear it." Again.. things did not work out, and she came back with the baby. For the past 2 years she has been living at home - barely working, watching TV all day, not helping around the house, not even trying to better her life for her son. We had many, many conversations about growing up and being an adult, being responsible, etc. Things finally came to a head this past August when we told her that we were planning on moving to another state within the next year. We told her that she really needed to get a "real" job, and start thinking about her future - as we would not be supporting her any longer once we moved (thinking this would be a great incentive for her to grow up). Instead... she went ballistic. Started telling us she hated us, we never did anything for her (that's what kills us), she'll never be good enough, etc. The next day she drove her son out to Ohio and gave him to his father. We have not seen the baby since. She has contacted the father twice in 3 months to check on the baby, and she goes out every night partying and never talks about her child. We have realized that although his father is not a very good person, he is the better of the two evils, and the baby is probably better off with him, as he has him enrolled in a daycare for play sessions, he has his own bedroom, and he has the much needed attention that my daughter never gave him.
> In the meantime, our daughter continues to live with us. She has gotten a full time job, but she still does nothing around the house. We asked for $20 a week for food and bills, which she refuses to give to us. She stopped speaking to us all together the day after the "big" argument in August. She comes in and goes straight to her room, leaves and goes straight out the door - no hello, goodbye, nothing. She does not even speak to her siblings. She has done them wrong in one way or another, and they are also through with her.
>
> Our dilemma now is Christmas. I am so furious with her for the way she has treated us, but I know that she will be brazen enough to come down X-mas morning and expect gifts under the tree. I really do not think she deserves anything for the way she treats us, but my husband says "we can't do that," and wants me to go buy her a gift! How do I do that? I never thought I would be one of those parents that does not have a relationship with their child - but she has hurt me more than one could possibly imagine. She has lost all of her friends because of the way she treats them, she only has one family member that speaks to her... and I truly feel sorry for her - but at the same time I feel that she has created her own situation. How do I get past this guilt? I am so torn.....
I could hit copy and paste and this would be my story. My best. same age daugher same situation except mine is about to give birth. Also diagnosed with bi polar. I would read up on borderline personality disorder. All you can do is work on yourself. They see the world black and white. you do what they want your a saint. a hero and all what we wouldn't do for that smile and I love you ( no matter how fake it really is) then you cross them and your never did a f ing thing) they hate you I have heard it all. wait until it turns physical and it will if you allow it. Here is am disabled and she still came after me. the first time was age 14. For years I tried buying her love. clothees, jewelery, cars to the demise of my won stellor credit. Only to betrray me and not be there for me when I got my divorce. Now dadddy bought the 1200 crib set and nothing I do is ever good enough. I decided I am giving her a card with a poem and THAT IS IT. You can only work on yourselves. work on your marriage. she destroyed mine. All I ever heard was You TWO KNOCK IT OFF. I feel so alone. So betrayed. It goesl ike this. You do what i want and you are my hero. You don't or you cross me theres gonna be hell to pay. If your in this situation get help or help educate yourself because YOU ARE THE PROBLEM
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loveaussies
Posts:
2
From:
San Antonio
Registered:
12/16/11
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(2 of 3)
Re: 23-yo daughter hates us, and now has given her 2-yo baby away!
Dec 16, 2011 1:15 PM
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Your daughter and mine coudl be twins. i recently got divorced because my husband of 24 years always took sides with my 23 year old and would say things like "you two knock it off? treated me and her as equals. she is also diagnosed as bi polar but I have been doing a lot of reading and realize she too is what is called a high functioning borderline personality disorder. meaning can get very good grades in college. is very manipulative. its always your the hero if money is tolled out or the devil if you don't. You have to realize in their world they either see black or white. your a saint or the devil. no gray. they never can think of all the good you have done. they are very manipulative. My 23 year old was living with me because she two in her last 2 months of college got knocked up (I believe out of spite) and now was very rude to the point walking on eggshells could be termed lighlty. so finally she blew up over me taking away her baby daddies cell phone. (he was kicked out for stealing) so she threw the phone at me and said here is your fing phone. so I called my x. with no provocation i was sitting at my latptop and she stood up started screaming. I wish you would f ing DIE. i hate yoiu. I wish you would die. me and X my son. she used his name both wish you were dead. then she lunged at me and proceeded to beat me up quite bad. my x stood back until it was clear she was kicking my butt. she was 6 months pregnant and no way was I gonna defend myself because that is what she wanted. He finally stepped in and it took a grown man of 290 pounds all muscle to pull her off of me. So I feel he let he get in a few good licks before he stepped in to rescue me even though I wanted the divorce you would think 14 years would count for something. so I told him I no longer feel safe and she needed to go live with him. well 4 days later he waltzes her up to my front dooor to get her things. I finally held my ground and said don't you take one more step. and I would not let her come in. I allowed him to and he was very curt disrespectful and acted like hurry hurry get the stuff i am tired and I am like I am being nice getting you TP and towels and crap for your new place and yet you still are belittleing me. So I feel she learned this from HIM. ALTHOUGH at 14 was the first time she attacked me so I feel the divorce is just an excuse for her rage. I decdied i am NOT getting her anything or Christmas other than a gift for the baby whic his due the end of Feb. Other than a card with a poem about forgiveness I feel she has a lot of growing up to learn. HOWEVER. I have been downloading books to my kindle on borderline personality and she fits it to a T. if yo uare nice she is loving but you cross her your the devil. She was also diagnosed as bi polar by 3 different docs but refuses meds and IRONICALLY my X is a critical care nurse trained in PSYC. All the books say you have to focus on you or they will rule your life until the day you die. the Sad thing is they use any means necessary to manipulate you and I personally have decided I am getting a card for Christmas and that is it. As it was the baby travel system plus 2 boxes of newborn diapers was over 300 dollars and with the divorce I just don't have it. MY X I do feel feeds this behavior as she had 3 suicide attempts ( non really serious) but enough to be hospitalized and all 3 times he put up blinders and finally her university stepped in and did a medical withdrawal and wanted her a month in patient but like all 3 times he managed to use his medical training as a way to manipulate everyone to get her out. Its a mess and i also need advice. But to the one who posted about Christmas if anything ONE GIFT. one 20. YOU CAN'T BUY THEIR LOVE you can't. they are sick and the only person you can take care of is YOURSELF. and sadly I am 100 percent disabled vet with my neck fused and my back fused and she still had no issues with beating the crap out of me. (and whats even more scary. she is a PSCY major).
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Cherylhans
Posts:
1
From:
United States
Registered:
12/15/11
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(1 of 3)
23-yo daughter hates us, and now has given her 2-yo baby away!
Dec 15, 2011 11:59 AM
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I don't even know where to begin... our now 23-yo daughter has always been a tough one. She is the 2nd out of our 5 children, and the only one to give us so much grief since she was little. She has been diagnosed with "borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder" but because she was "borderline" was never medicated - just lots of counseling and therapists. She has been in and out of trouble over the years, including getting kicked out of the Air Force for adultery (the guy was married, but she was still charged), and then after leaving the AF went to live with her married boyfriend (who later divorced his 9-month pregnant wife). My daughter then found out she was pregnant. We barely spoke because we did not have the greatest relationship, as her father and I were very disappointed with her choices. Not surprisingly, her "boyfriend" ended up cheating on her, and they broke up..and she moved back home. We rearranged our lives for her. We moved her brother from one room to another, her sister from one to another - all to make room for my daughter and our soon-to-be grandson. We did everything for her. A few months after the baby was born, she packed up and left - no goodbye, no thank you, nothing. About a month later, we found out she moved a few states away with the "boyfriend". Again.. our hearts were sad, we were furious, and we were hurt. Her excuse for not telling us was that she "didn't want to hear it." Again.. things did not work out, and she came back with the baby. For the past 2 years she has been living at home - barely working, watching TV all day, not helping around the house, not even trying to better her life for her son. We had many, many conversations about growing up and being an adult, being responsible, etc. Things finally came to a head this past August when we told her that we were planning on moving to another state within the next year. We told her that she really needed to get a "real" job, and start thinking about her future - as we would not be supporting her any longer once we moved (thinking this would be a great incentive for her to grow up). Instead... she went ballistic. Started telling us she hated us, we never did anything for her (that's what kills us), she'll never be good enough, etc. The next day she drove her son out to Ohio and gave him to his father. We have not seen the baby since. She has contacted the father twice in 3 months to check on the baby, and she goes out every night partying and never talks about her child. We have realized that although his father is not a very good person, he is the better of the two evils, and the baby is probably better off with him, as he has him enrolled in a daycare for play sessions, he has his own bedroom, and he has the much needed attention that my daughter never gave him.
In the meantime, our daughter continues to live with us. She has gotten a full time job, but she still does nothing around the house. We asked for $20 a week for food and bills, which she refuses to give to us. She stopped speaking to us all together the day after the "big" argument in August. She comes in and goes straight to her room, leaves and goes straight out the door - no hello, goodbye, nothing. She does not even speak to her siblings. She has done them wrong in one way or another, and they are also through with her.
Our dilemma now is Christmas. I am so furious with her for the way she has treated us, but I know that she will be brazen enough to come down X-mas morning and expect gifts under the tree. I really do not think she deserves anything for the way she treats us, but my husband says "we can't do that," and wants me to go buy her a gift! How do I do that? I never thought I would be one of those parents that does not have a relationship with their child - but she has hurt me more than one could possibly imagine. She has lost all of her friends because of the way she treats them, she only has one family member that speaks to her... and I truly feel sorry for her - but at the same time I feel that she has created her own situation. How do I get past this guilt? I am so torn.....
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